(warning: not safe for work, or children, or anyone with any sense of decency!)

It has come to our attention that a low-grade radio comic (which is beyond redundant) has been exploiting our life experience for the sake of cheap risibility. Needless to say, the Stephanie Miller show will not be appearing on our iPod. Their use of our vocal likeness has been absolutely appalling, the portrayal of our royal being as a slattern, a slut, and a “skank biscuit” is an affront to our regality. We have been described as having bedded entire fighter wings of the RAF, as having offered physical solace to commoners in the underground during the blitz, and foreign dignitaries of every stripe. These escapades and their reportage are beneath us! We insist on establishing our correct reputation. You think these were bad? You have no idea. We are here to tell you the truth, although we are of the opinion that you cannot handle the truth. Nevertheless, we are here to lay it on you. Send the kiddies out of the room, pour yourself a tot of gin, and list. Oh, list! If you dare.